One year ToGo

Hey everybody, sorry it has been so long since my last post. That seems to be a common way for me to start my blogs. I have been in kind of a funk over the past few months and was having a hard time thinking of positive and funny things to say. I said this, both to my friend Aimee and to my Dad, and both of them said the same thing to response: "you don't always have to be positive and funny on your blog." So I thought I would try to explain a little bit about my frustration before I move on to talk about the wonderful visit I just had from Erin and Dan.

As most of you know, I was home in May for my Mom's graduation from Law School (as a side note, she just finished taking the Bar and now you can probably find her at one. So proud of you, Mommy!!). Being home was amazing and wonderful and 4 weeks flew by in the blink of an eye. When I left Togo to come home I was feeling really negative about Peace Corps in general and I wasn't sure what going home would do to that sentiment. I was burnt out and I knew I needed a break, so my hope was that going home and getting some time and distance to clear my head would mean that I would come back renewed and refreshed. I had forgotten how fast things move in America. Togo does not function on a schedule; there is no such thing as being late for a meeting; there is no rush. Back in the states I felt like I was constantly on the go, tying to squeeze all the things I wanted to do and all the people I wanted to see into, what turned out to be, far less time than I had imagined. Everybody had questions about Peace Corps, which is of course to be expected, but "How's Africa?" is not an easy question to respond to. My Peace Corps friends and I sat around thinking of funny one-liners to give to that question, like, "Well, have you seen Blood Diamond?" or "Brad and Angelina are so nice in person." But when it comes down to it, there is no short answer to that question. The fact of the matter is that I was feeling unsure about Peace Corps and whether or not I wanted to stay for another year. People had so many nice things to say about what I am doing, and many people told me they wished they were doing the same. I did a lot of smiling and nodding. In truth, a lot of the time I feel like I am achieving nothing at all by being here. I don't feel like I have accomplished much of anything in my first year. I came here thinking I would have an actual "job," but it turns out that most of my "work" is just about being here. And in the short term that's great, but for 2 years, feeling useless and directionless can be extremely frustrating. However, that is not what people want to hear when they ask, "How's Africa?" They want to hear that you are loving it and having grand adventures, and not saying those things felt like I was letting people down. I know that most of that is only in my head, but that was how it felt, and as a result I put on a big smile and said, "It's great! I love it!" It was easier to tell people what they wanted to hear. Despite my negative feelings, however, I believed that things would get better. I just needed to stick it out and eventually things would improve. So I came back to Togo, resolved to try to make it work and a month into being back my best friend in country, Kate, ETed (Early Terminated her service). It was not unexpected, but still it was a blow. Since we have very little available in terms of entertainment we become extremely reliant on each other. She made the right decision, she was unhappy and needed to go home. I think it takes a lot of guts to leave Peace Corps early and I am proud of her for being so brave and doing what she needed to do. I am also jealous. And sad. And I miss her. She seems to have started a bit of a trend and we have had several more people from our stage leave since. They say that is the way it goes in Peace Corps and that the one year mark is a pretty common time to lose people. I tried to push thoughts of quitting out of my head and and make the best of things, yet i found myself feeling miserable. Then I had a thought, facilitated by my very wise father... There is this chapter in Winnie-the-Pooh where Rabbit goes to visit Owl in his tree. Owl is trying to get information from Rabbit about Christopher Robin and Rabbit is being extremely obtuse and frustrating and Owl looks at him, and wonders whether to push him off the tree; but, thinking he could always do it afterwards, he tries once more to find out what they were talking about. That is kind of what Peace Corps is like, and the realization that I can get out anytime I want, that it is an option and that no one would think any less of me, makes it a little easier to step back, take a deep breath, and save pushing Peace Corps from the tree for another day. I don't know if that made sense to all you non-Winnie-the-Pooh fanatics out there, but the point it, knowing I can leave makes it easier to stay.

So...moving on. As I'm sure many of you have heard, I was just visited by my two best friends in the whole world. I still cannot believe they were actually here. The trip was, in short, amazing. Of course it was not without it's issues; Dan's luggage never actually made it to Togo. It got to Ghana a day and a half after we left and was retrieved the day he flew back home. Fortunately, Dan is a smart packer and brought enough changes of clothes to get by. We spent two night in Accra, the capital of Ghana and then crossed over to Lome, spent a night there and headed up to Kara. There is a new group of volunteers in country and Erin and Dan's visit happened to correspond with their one week visit to their posts. There is always a party at the end of post-visit week and we decided to have a pig roast. We bought a live pig for the equivalent of 30 dollars, the guards at our transit house killed it and then Larissa, Peter, Dan and I carved it up. Erin decided to opt out of the carving and act as photographer. Carving up a pig is a lot of work! But it resulted in delicious kebabs complete with onions, green peppers, tomatoes and pineapple. The party was a success and the new group of volunteers seem to be a generally good group. The three of us also took a trip to see the Tatas out in Kate's former village, Nadoba. We spent a night out in my village and Erin and Dan ate the local grub and drank the local brew (tchouk). My neighbors loved them and since their departure have asked about their well-being constantly. They both got to meet my Togolese counterpart and suggested that I remark on my blog about how wonderful and motivated he is. It's true, and I guess I took that for granted. His work with Peace Corps, like mine, is as a volunteer, but his in the more literal sense as he doesn't get the 8 dollars a day. He is also the volunteer head of our Community Heath Agents and he works as a mechanic and works in the fields. As I said, I took this for granted. I think that was one of the best things about Erin and Dan's visit was that it made me see things in a new light and lent an outsiders perspective. We finished out our trip back in Lome where we went bargain shopping in the market and spent a day at the beach. I can't possibly thank them enough for coming here. It means a great deal to know that I will be able to go home and talk about this experience with people who have actually seen what I am talking about. I have not written that much about our trip because I have asked Erin and Dan to do guest posts on my blog. They have both said they will do it, so hopefully in the next couple of weeks they will add pictures and stories.

Well that's about all she wrote for now. I need to talk about Camp, but I feel that is a story for another post. I miss you all terribly and, as always I appreciate all your love and support. Keep in touch and take care! Until next time (which I promise will be soon!)