Out of Africa

So in case you haven't heard by now, as it appears word travels fast, I am back in the good ole US of A...permanently. I decided 15 months was enough; I celebrated my second birthday in Togo and our one-year anniversary as PCVs, then I packed up my house and all of my things and came home. I am glad I did Peace Corps. At the peak of my unhappiness I would have said I regretted it, but that isn't true, I got a lot out of my experience, but now it is time to move on and start a new chapter. I thought about it for a long time before making my final decision. I love the friends I made while I was there, I got to see and do a lot of things, but when it came down to it, I just wasn't happy anymore. Once I made the decision I thought I would automatically be happy again, but it was much harder than I expected. There are emotions you have to combat when making the decision to leave: feeling like a quitter or a failure, feeling like you just weren't tough enough, feeling guilty for leaving a place when the people in your village you who you love and care about have no choice but to stay. In the end, however, I couldn't stay our of guilt, or fear of judgement by others, I had to do what I needed to do for myself.

Before I left a few of my friends asked me what I would miss. In the craziness of leaving it was hard to come up with an answer. I was so ready to come home I couldn't think of anything. But there are things I will miss about Togo: My neighbor Sabine's laugh, her husband, Ferdi, holding my hand when we walked back to the house after one calabash too many, sunsets, the pounding, furious rain in the middle of the night, sitting outside and reading all day long, baobob trees, fresh mangoes and pineapples, buying pieces of coconut on the street for 25FCFA, riding motos (at night, in the dark, without my helmet :) ), the back room at Chateau (aka grandma's basement), the whole Kara (Kante, Bafilo) cluster, all of the amazing women of CHAP '09, Fufu avec sauce d'arachide, Club Espoire, Fan Milk, watching an entire TV series in one day, off a bootleg DVD, while lying on a bed-bug infested mattress covered in a dirty sheet, on a computer with bad speakers, in the company of good friends. To those volunteers in Togo who have internet access and are bored enough to read my blog, I love you and I will miss you very much.

I could rant and rave on my final blog. I could tell you all of the things I hated about Peace Corps, all of my problems and frustrations. I could spend an hour trying to get you to feel sorry for me because I am afraid you will think I'm a wimp or a quitter. I could, but I'm not going to. I know why I came home and I know it was the right decision for me. I would also never discourage anyone else from joining the Peace Corps; it is a great way to see a part of the world you might never otherwise visit and it looks great on your resume. The only advice I would give to those future PCVs is to try not to go into it with huge goals and expectations and try to do everything on your own terms.

So what's next? I am working as a waitress/bartender and trying to save money. My plan is to go back to school next fall and get my dual masters in Public Policy and Social Work from Ohio State. I want to be home for a while and spend time with my family. At the same time, I do have that Travel Bug and you never know where it may take me next....